10 Things you don't need to say when you meet a gay family.

Life and society are changing very fast. For people of my age sometimes changes come so announced and unsuspected that we can easily be out of place or sound like a troll without intention. I believe is our responsibility to learn and update our social skills and boundaries when we meet other people that is not like us. As a former immigrant, I had to change many of my etiquette rules and perspectives of life in order to fit in this society. Its not easy but it is possible. Here is a list of things you have to avoid saying when you met a family with two dads.

1. Don’t say you have a gay friend as soon as you met them

They get it, you want to relate and sound supportive, but by saying that you are actually telling them: “I am not like you but I am OK for who you are.” It’s not a good thing to start a conversation. Imagine if you go for a short vacation to Bahamas and you met this stranger from France and as soon as he hear you speaking English he said: oh you know what, I have a friend in South Africa, he also speaks English! (totally irrelevant right? )

2. Do not tell them how much their kids look like the parents

You really don’t know how they created their family, sometimes they may be genetically related, sometimes they may adopt their kids. People try to establish those connections in order to feel they know you better or to be nice but it can hurt in some cases. Some families looks alike for many reason. One big reason: Gays know how to coordinate their outfits and make their family members look alike!

3. Do not ask how they got their kids

It's not of your business. Making an introduction with such question can cost you a few minutes of embarrassment. Get to know them and maybe share your own story first, they may be willing to share theirs. Think of this, people are not asking you how you got your kids right, so why is OK to ask a gay couple the same thing?

4. Do not ask WHERE is the mom

They may not want to think of an adoptive mother who is still in jail, or who died of a heroin overdose, they many not have a mom because the kids were born through surrogacy. Do be a jerk by asking that question, somehow you are pointing the lack of one. Like we all have to have one. Also remember they kids are also listening and reading your facial expression.

5. Don’t ask WHO is the mom

That is another ignorant and/or jerky question. Gay couples not necessarily follow heterosexual roles. In their sexual relationship they may or may not have roles. As parent is the same. No one is pretending to play moms and dads when you are a two guys couple. Forget the roles. They both are parents and that is all it matters.

6. Don’t give advice they didn’t ask for

This is specially for women, whose natural reaction when they see babies is to act like moms, specially if there is not another female present. Hold your horses, bite your tongue! You may have the best advice in the word but you are about to piss off a very proud parent who want to believe he knows better for their kids. Oh yeah their daughter hair may look messy, just leave them alone and if you respect those boundaries you may be asked for help, a little later.

7. Don’t try to hold or touch their babies

This general rule also apply to gays. Just because you don’t see a tiger mom with them you can think they are more free for the touch. Gays are very protective of their kids, as much or more than a heterosexual couple (after all they paid a fortune for them). Many are bacteria and virus freak and very perfectionist, so your uninvited touch or intent to touch can cause a cat fight right there, on the fly.

8. Don’t make gestures of disgust and pretend you didn’t

Don’t forget, gays are masters at reading peoples eyes. They have been in the closet for too long and many more courageous have been in the public eyes getting all kind of offensive looks in public. They can recognize your homophobic ass way before you even open your mouth. If you don’t want to get it back, simply don’t look and walk away.

9. Don’t talk too much simply because you want to be friendly

They get it, if you simply smile, they know you are friendly, but trying too hard actually causes the opposite effect. Uninvited comments is annoying and universal.

10. Don’t tell them how lucky they are for having kids while you couldn’t

Yes it is a blessing to have children but you really don’t know how much cost them to have children. For two males is really hard, sometimes painful and even traumatic to go through the process of surrogacy or adoption. Is not just luck. Its a lot of determination and hard work. Instead, tell them how much you love their courage to create their own family.

In conclusion, always use this rule: If you don’t have anything positive to say, say nothing. It never fail.

From Two to Four it feels the same.

Yesterday my partner, our surrogate, our good friend Eileen and I went to watch TWO: The story of Roman and Nyro, its a documentary about two dads (Desmond Childs and Curtis Shaw) and their surrogate Angela. We were specially invited by Lisa Roberts, a real friend of the couple on the movie. I saw the trailer a few months ago and I was looking forward to watch a movie where I can see 2 dads like us (saving the fame and money) how they handle 2 older kids and the general dynamics of a family without a mom.

Before arriving to Studio@620 we decided to meet with our surrogate and have dinner, it has been a long time since we have to see her and have an adult conversation. The only time we saw her after the babies birth was a family visit and all our kids and her mother were present, so the conversation was limited to baby stuff, the kids latest accomplishment and things of our daily life.

This time I was expecting to talk more about ourselves, our feelings, thinks like that. Well it didn't happen right aways. It not that simple to switch your mind from a long day of work and busy traffic getting there and talk about how you feel. So our conversation was light while we enjoy our delicious dishes and then we walk to the place where Two was about to be screened.

I have to say in the last couple of days with patrick we had some frictions, silly discussions about silly difference that we always have and we were a little short communicating and showing much affection for each other. So I was a little concern about how that will be perceived for others. That was a perfect opportunity to share a positive experience watching the movie that I though it will reveal many secrets of how to be a family. So i was a little concern about our attitudes during this social moment.

When we arrived to the Studio@620 we were received by Lisa Roberts, our friend who organized the event. She, as always, was very warm and welcoming and immediately introduced us to an adoption attorney and a single dad who went through surrogacy as well. It was a little awkward since they ask a couple of questions and we (our surrogate and us) never talk openly about our journey. But after clarifying she was our surrogate everything run smooth.

Desmond, Angela, and Curtis with Roman and Nyro at Desmond and Curtis' New York wedding

As soon as the movie start, I don't know if it was the images, the dialogue or the music but all my emotion were out! I though, oh my, it is going to be one of those movies now...  They show their childhood as gay and coming out to their family and the struggle as persons; the celebrity vail felt right away and now we can see 2 common people with common issues and that created the first connection. Then I was introduced to their spiritual path, how they met and all the signs they have received during the process. Again I was able to relate and cry a little more. Saving the distances, the India trip and the glamour of their life. I have realize our journey was so similar, the same feelings of fear and disconcert when we had a pregnant person by our side and parenthood started to feel real, the same hope, the same anguish and love.

When they walked into a Fertility Clinic in LA and I could recognize the lobby, because we when to the same clinic and talk to the same doctor, thats when I get totally disarmed and give up on the resistance to feel. That was our life story in front of us. Nothing more to scrutinize . Just tears flowing down like a river.

By the time both children were been born in the movie, Patrick and our surrogate were both crying like children. I started wondering how many things we never get to feel or express until now that we have the opportunity to have a mirror in front of our eyes.

Observing postpartum Angela, their surrogate, I was able to understand to a even deeper level how precious is the gift that our surrogate has given to us, not only the physical struggle but the emotional part.  What is was even stronger was to understand that we have created a connection even if we don't get together often that goes beyond the maternity clinic were we split in separate ways. We never really say good bye for good and there is much more in front of us.

I am not going to spoil the rest of the movie because it is really worthy to go an watch it,  even if you never experience any of this. Its a beautiful movie about life, family and love. Love that goes beyond the traditional understanding of human relationships. Its a way to reaffirm that we are all connected no matter how private or public you can make your family goes. There is pure humanity behind all this no matter what other may thing about gay surrogacy and same sex couples and their family.

With Patrick, my parter we watch the movie holding hands, because all these feelings were about us. We forgot the day before argue and we connect again in a common place of love.

We talked later after the movie, since we conveniently left our cars a few blocks away by the restaurant where we had dinner earlier. We walk her to her car and talk about profound feelings,  she was able to explain with more details the feelings i was always scared to hear, how she felt when the journey of pregnancy was over. It was a liberating and loving experience to meet with our lovely friend for life "Angela" as I will call her now in the blog.

We are now looking forward to meet again with the children and have a good time. Almost like a big, extended family that we always will be.