Sunday, June 23, 2013

The end of anonymity

If you didn't know, beside been a father of 4 and a gay men and a successful designer I am also a recovering addict. I think it is important to out myself because is important for me to be honest, live in the light and to be proud of who I am and where I am today. For those who don't know , addiction is not a character defect or a lack of willingness or a choice. Addiction is  a disease that involves the physical, mental and spiritual being.

I am not responsible for my disease since I didn't choose to have it but I am responsible for my recovery which I work on in a daily bases. I have been clean from drugs and alcohol since September 27, 2007. I count the days and the hours because I don't want to be in that place anymore. Desperation and fear of dead push me to seek recovery and today I live a happy, full, beautiful life.

I believe in outing myself because there are many addicts living in secret and thinking there is not a solution to their disease. If you are of of those you can be one of me. I don't have any special power nor strong will. Nobody has them. But I learned how to ask for help and that is the most powerful tool I have.

Many of my fellows recovering addict believe in anonymity, I don't. Anytime I keep it in secret to the world it put me in a place of feeling special, less than and not proud of who I am, addiction is part of who I am and it always will be, since this is a disease that has not known cure.

I have to teach my children a clear lesson of personal responsibility, honesty and love for who you are. By been open with the world about this, the fear is lifted, I don't have to hide and I don't have to talk quietly about it.

It is scary to show who you are in a world full of people who judge you and have erroneous opinions about addiction, where seems jail and institutions are the only answer for this system to stop addiction, where religions seems to be the only rule for many and those old books that many follow as the only truth.
But I have hope in my people, I believe there is a lot of good people in this world who speak for themselves and they can see the truth on their own ways.  Those are my friends, the people who help me everyday to keep going and support my family unconditionally. And those are the only people I care about and I need in my life.

If I treat my disease I can be so many things, good things. I can be a responsible member of this society, I can be a good partner, I can be a good friend, I can be a good son and most of it I can be a good FATHER! And I said it loud because I love being a father! It is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me and I want to celebrate and communicate that feeling everyday.

I am grateful today because of the life I got to live and I have to be very honest about this, all I have today is the direct result of recovery. Everything!

Before recovery  not only that I have lost all of my material belongings, professional career, family and friends by I lost myself. I forgot who i was and  I was convinced that that was it, that that was the life I was destined to have and that I will soon died.

But there is breaking point, one day I woke up and I said is enough, this cannot be. I want to live! and I was ready to get the help I needed it. That awakening is a mystery, I don't know how that happens, under what circumstances or what every person needs to happen, but it did. I only know who is behind that awakening, the same who was behind any time I put myself at risk and saved my life. That is what many call God. Which for me has nothing to do with religion or the God people described to me. And why me I asked myself and many you may ask too. Well my only answer is; Why not?

We all has a purpose in life, and I believe is beyond our comprehension or personal desire sometimes. I took me 45 years or a crippled life in order to understand that, my purpose is to be who I am today, to help people, to help my 4 children become beautiful people, strong human beings, and perhaps their purpose is more elevated or significant of maybe their only purpose is to teach me the ultimate live experience. How to be a good dad.

I love you all. God bless you.

No comments:

Post a Comment